Closure

Note to the Reader: This is a letter I wrote recently to someone I had to cut ties with. The names are changed for sake of privacy. I am putting it here because it is some of my best writing because it comes from the end of one of the most painful experiences of my life.

In the end Leo the question is, if you could go back to the choice you made, would you change it?

I think the answer is no.

And I don’t think you should have to be sorry for that.

Past the messiness & hurt of the experience,

The heart of it is this:

You had me, someone who deeply cared for you and that you knew and cared for as well.

But when push came to shove, you chose someone you barely knew instead.

You chose her over me. Because that’s what you wanted.

And that’s okay. Because you felt like you should do that.

How you went about handling that choice was less okay (which I know you’re aware of)

I wish you had let me know you felt it was too complicated to stay friends with me while dating her.

I wish you had reached out and apologized for not being there for me like you said you would.

I think most of all I wish you didn’t say the things you said to me that made me believe we were going to be in each other’s lives for a long time. But then even as I type that, I take it back.

I take it back mainly because when you were committed to being my best friend, before Savannah, I think you said those things because you thought you meant them. And they meant something to me. But I don’t think you really understood the weight of your words at the time.

And I think you understand that now. And I know you’re sorry for it. I know you’re sorry for how you handled everything.

I know you never intended to hurt me. I know you care about me. I know you wish you handled it differently.

Which is why I was able to forgive you months ago, before you reached out.

I know you. I care about you. I forgive you.

But even if you never reached out, even if you never apologized, I still would have forgiven you. Because I make so many mistakes all the time and am in no place to hold anything against you.

Even if you intended to hurt me, even if you committed the worst crime against me, I would still forgive you. Because that’s what Jesus does. And He asks us to forgive. I think it would probably take longer for me to forgive if those things were the case, but I’d like to believe that I would be merciful and humble enough to forgive - for the sake of my Savior & our relationship.

In the end though, the question is similar for me. If I could go back and change the choice you made, would I?

And I think the answer is no for me, too.

The pain I experienced from the betrayal of Savannah and the absence of you was unbearable.

In certain ways, I think I have never felt that much sadness in my entire life.

I felt so hurt Savannah had done something she told me multiple times she wasn’t going to do.

Watching you so easily live your life without me was a death sentence.

But this pain, the chaos that followed, and a few other factors, led to my eventual diagnosis of depression.

I have learned so much about myself because of my experience with depression. I have learned so much about cherishing people, investing love in those who stay and setting boundaries because of the pain I felt from you and Savannah.

By the end of 2020, I felt more grounded than I have felt in a long time. I felt more connected to myself. I became more aware of who I am and how to care for myself. I discovered negative core beliefs I carried for years that needed to change. I realized I needed to love myself. I came to feel so grateful for who I am and who I have. I think I finally understood I shouldn’t chase people because the ones who are there for me are more than enough. And I should spend my whole life appreciating them and God for their love.

Thank you for making a choice that led me on a path where I learned these things. Thinking of losing you still hurts so badly and part of me still so badly wishes it was different. It’s not fair that you get to love people you don’t get to keep. If there was a way I could have kept you in my life and learned what I did, I would have voted for that.

But I don’t think it was meant to be that way and that’s not what happened. So I choose to be grateful for what did happen and what I learned.