Eleanor Interview
On Being a Freshman
“My first semester was a slap in the face. When I think about last semester, I think of it as a very necessary evil. There were a lot of good things. But I became the queen of self indulgence, meaning, a maple bar every meal because I could. Sleeping through class because I’m so sleepy so why not? I think I learned a lot of things through reaching a low point of zero self discipline. I was out of my house for the first time with no real schedule. I don't think there was any other way for me to learn that lifestyle was not okay other than actually experiencing it. I feel better about this semester because I’m discipling myself a lot, which is really not fun. Now I tell myself, ‘Eleanor, you can’t have a maple bar with every meal.’ I make a lot of lists. That’s my thing. I have a lot of fun colored pens. I make my lists and say ‘you can’t watch the Bachelor until you’ve done this and this.’ It’s hard. But I’m finding that doing what you’re supposed to do when you’re supposed to do it, feels good. Realizing doing homework is actually fulfilling and that I do have to go to my classes. I have to be my own mom. A necessary evil. But that’s how you grow, by being your own mom.”
On Using Art To Cope with Facial Reconstruction
“I look back on my younger self and I literally ache for her. I was hurting in ways then that only manifested later. I kept a lot of things in. I used art as a way to compensate for something. I always felt I was compensating. I was really embarrassed by the way I looked. In middle school I was preparing for a lot of facial reconstruction surgeries. I felt the struggles I had were so different than my peers, even my best friends. I didn’t want to talk about my situation because it made me different. One night before I was going to get a surgery that would change the way I looked forever, I did so many self portraits. I kept thinking this is the last time I will look this way because tomorrow at this time, I will be different. Art was something I did to cope. My thought process for creating was ‘I might be ugly but I can be really funny’ or ‘I might be ugly, but it might be okay if I do really well at art.’ Things like that. So I’m sad for her. But I also learned so much from those experiences. I wouldn't have it any other way.”
On What She Wants People to Feel When They Look at Her Art
“I want people to have a sigh of relief when they look at my art and say, “God is my friend!” and “God isn’t scary.” Sometimes the takeaway for me when I look at religious artwork is quite intimidating. Which isn’t intentional by those artists. They are just trying to honor such sacred things. My favorite piece of art I’ve created is called “Angels who feel and fall and grow.” It’s a charcoal drawing with a bunch of angels doing various things - lying on the floor, falling in love, in a desk asking a question. It’s about my belief that progress is forever and ever. I believe God is our friend. He is omnipotent and beautiful and great, of course, but He also really meets us where we are. During my late middle school and early high school years, I was at the lowest low. I was crying in a public restroom. I had always thought God was scary. But then I thought, well nothing else has worked, so maybe this will work. I said a prayer and felt peace. I think that’s when I started to see He meets us where we are.”
On Why She Does Art
“I made a painting a year ago called, ‘I tried filling the void with positive affirmations and it almost worked.’ The idea of the piece stemmed from me thinking about how I’ve always identified as an artist and have always made art. I kept asking myself why I have always been drawn to art. Its something people think I’m good at, but why, why, why do I do it? What is my motivation for making art? For so long, that's where I got my validation. The first conclusion I came to was I made art to compensate. I create to compensate for my lack of beauty. I feel this responsibility to bring beauty into the world to make up for the fact that it’s me. So something on the painting that says, “Do I make beautiful things to prove I'm beautiful or am I actually beautiful because I have the ability to make beautiful things?” The painting ultimately questions the worth of beauty - is beauty the best I can do? The final conclusion I came to is that it really doesn’t matter that much. I should make art not to compensate, not to prove anything but because i just genuinely really enjoy doing it.”
“For me, it’s always been art. The inside of me is filled with little rainbow bees buzzing and I’m just like, ‘What do I do with this?’ And those bees manifest in me drawing and painting and getting myself dressed in very fun clothes. It gives me a purpose. When I make things I think, “I have something to say, I have something to do.” Last week I was like “Ugh, what will Monday be? I’m not excited.” So I painted my pants pink because I knew I would be so excited to wake up in the morning, knowing I have pink pants. I love pink. Try and cross me when I’m wearing monochromatic pink, I dare you. The power I have to just bring color into my life. That’s why I make art.”
On Her Future
“My future looks like this: me, my loverman soulmate and our three children, living in a lake house in Texas. The kitchen is monochromatic pink. There is a 24 hour art museum in our backyard that I curate and contribute to with murals lining the outside. I want to live a very content and colorful life where God is very much involved. That’s what gets me up in the morning sometimes, the thought of Texas. Even though I've never been there. It’s my favorite shape. And they have cheap real estate.”
On Trading Her Smartphone for a Flip Phone
“I decided to swap my smartphone for a flip phone. This decision came from my complete dissatisfaction with the internet. I genuinely believe it was rotting my brain. I still have access to the internet through my laptop for schoolwork and what not, but I have kind of written off social media a little bit. I don’t really have self control when it comes to those types of things. I really am quite indulgent. I like to give myself treats. I can say ‘10 minutes of social media for you’ but then it turns into I don't know... hours? Since being off the smartphone, I just have so many more moments of quiet which I didn't have before. Walking from class to class I am alone with my thoughts, which was spooky at first. I think the motivation of always being on social media or texting is so you don’t have to be alone with yourself. Which can be really scary at times. I used to not allow myself to be lonely because of it. But I think that’s what I'm learning, to be alone with myself. It’s okay to be lonely. I’m getting to know myself better because I’m allowing for spaces of quiet.”